Gray duck.
Even though the question “where are you from?” causes my palms to sweat for lack of a short and sweet answer, I lived in Minnesota long enough to know that the only acceptable way to finish the line “duck, duck…” is “gray duck.”
{FIGHT ME.}
But this is not a post about the regional differences of a childhood game. Nor is it an argument for the clearly correct answer.
No.
This is a post about the messy roundabout where my desire to fit in and/or find my people at a new post meets my social anxiety meets my identity as a sober EFM*. And how even though I’ve traveled similar roads before, it always feels like I’m doing it again for the very first time.
***
Do I say something now and get the awkward out of the way or do I wait until I have to say something? And is saying ‘I’m more of a mocktail gal’ enough or should I be blunt so that she doesn’t suggest we meet at a wine bar?
I mean, I know it’s a happy hour event but it’s also a chance to meet people. Is there anything non-alcoholic on the menu or should I just sit this one out? Again.
Please don’t ask me if I’m pregnant. Please don’t ask me if I’m pregnant. Please don’t ask me if I’m pregnant.
***
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t the gray duck.
Don’t get me wrong: I wouldn’t trade a single second of my hard-earned sobriety for a minute of my drinking career. (Not even for the supposed good ol’ days before I knew that I can’t drink like a “normal” person.) But sometimes I wish that it wasn’t so much work to navigate how (if?) I fit into a social scene that often seems to center around alcohol.
It’s no secret that expat circles can be a little boozy. And I don’t think I’d be shocking anybody if I said that Foreign Service life isn’t an exception to that rule. Whether it be an official event sponsored by the embassy or an invite to meet up with other moms, there’s often no avoiding it.
Seven years into working on recovery and damn near six years of continuous sobriety, you’d think it’d be easy for me, right?
Most of the time it is. Because, with a little bit of practice and the support of folks who’ve walked this path ahead of me, I’ve learned how to traverse the landscape. To say wholehearted yeses to invites that light me up and to give gracious noes to those that feel a little less sparkly (for whatever reason). To always have an escape plan and a way to get myself home if an event with alcohol becomes just a little too much to handle (as they sometimes do). To have a handful of go-to lines from “oh, thanks, I’m not drinking tonight,” to “I’m sober, actually,” depending on just how much I want (and is appropriate) to disclose. Yes, most of the time it is relatively easy.
It hasn’t always been. I remember the first ladies’ night out in Brussels when I was still a young grasshopper of a diplomat’s wife. And just knowing that maybe it wasn’t the best idea to go meet up with a bunch of women I had never met before at a bar near the Grand Place. But I figured it’d be OK. Besides, there was always sparkling water, non? Except that there wasn’t sparkling water. The slightly confused and overly apologetic waitress informed me that my choices were still water or a fruity mocktail made from the orange juice mixer and lavender simple syrup they had behind the bar. It only got more awkward from there. As the group went around the table introducing ourselves, the evening’s organizer raised her hand and said “doesn’t it feel like we’re at an AA meeting? Like ‘hi, I’m such-and-such and I’m an alcoholic’.” I don’t think she noticed me slinking into my chair but I certainly noticed me not saying anything. (This was about a year before I told my story and owned my sobriety publicly for the first time.)
And when I’m the new girl at post even now? It’s like walking that path all over again for the very first time. Every single situation requires me to figure out exactly how I want to show up. And each asks me to dig deep into remembering exactly who I am and what I stand for. Which, Dear Reader, is — as you might have already guessed — to be authentically and unapologetically me.
But that authentic, unapologetic me? Is a gal who has struggled with social anxiety for as long as I can remember. And is a little lot awkward, especially in new situations. And doesn’t really do well with small talk because a) it’s kinda boring b) I’ve lived through some things and just can’t really do surface anymore c) I want to actually get to know each other well enough to decide if we’ll love each other just as we are.
I used to think that having a glass of wine or something even stiffer in my hand took away all the awkward. It certainly took away the anxiety of meeting new people. But that only lasted until I’d wake up to a dry mouth and panic attack at 3am ruminating over something stupid I thought I remembered saying.
It turns out it actually wasn’t the best way for me.
So here I am: still wanting to meet people, still anxious about it, still awkward AF. Plus stone cold sober.
I guess that often makes me the gray duck. But there are so many worse ducks I could be.
A REALLY IMPORTANT P.S.:
If you’re drinking too much or too often or when you really don’t want to but can’t seem to help it, I’m happy to share my experience and more about what worked and works for me. Please reach out and know that I’ll hold any correspondence in the highest confidence: ec {at} emilycornell.com
And, if you’re somebody who plans community events and are wondering how to welcome/support non-drinkers, it can be as easy as always offering N/A options or as thoughtful as making sure your event mix includes events that are totally alcohol-free. I’d be happy to point you to some resources if you’re wondering how to be more intentional in this space!
* EFM = Eligible Family Member. Or, anybody traveling overseas as the dependent (spouse, child, etc.) of a sponsoring employee.
